Poem: Why am I still here?

A poem birthed in the midst of making a change to be free from covert narcissistic abuse.

Poem: Why am I still here? Written: October 26, 2022 by Jendayi Harris

I hate being in such a place
Should I stay or should I go
So displaced
Worried about disgrace
What does God want
What do I really want
I married to stay
But his actions force me to question
They force me to consider facing a new reality
A reality filled with unknowns and uncertainties
A space of me fully loving me
And letting go of tolerating less than I deserve
Less than I want
Less than his best
But he wants mine - my best
Yet he refuses to see
That he neglects me
That my needs are unmet
He takes one small sign and blows it up into a truth
A false truth

I can't make you happy
I have other things to do
I can't surprise you
I must work like a dog
It's all your fault
I've gotta go
I can't say no to sister so and so
But your needs I can forgo
You no longer matter to me
I don't care that you hurt
I don't mind that you have to settle for my crumbs
You do deserve better
But you won't go
No matter how much I've pushed you away
I've cursed you
I've called you out of your name
I've left you countless times overnight
Often without a fight
I've ignored you
I've blocked you
I've lied to you
I've blamed you
I didn't answer your calls
I didn't pray for your heart
I just want you for when it serves me
I do me - no matter the cost to you
You do deserve better
I've threatened to hit you, to leave you, to kill you
But I forget I did that
I can't fully own my issues and my brokenness
But I know I've made false promises to be there for you, to never leave you, to be faithful
I've hidden my cell phone and Instagram
I'll fight you over it
At any cost I'll protect myself
Because I do have things to hide
I can't merge with you
I don't like you
I don't want to level up
I can't abide
I don't want to grow
I'm happy with the same old same
I'm not going anywhere
Can't you see
I'm done with dreaming
I worship my ailments
I don't make any difference
I can't even listen to your wisdom
I can only handle the now and what's in front of me
I have to know it all
I must be in control and superior
I walk on a tight rope
I can't let my guard down
I'm not tied to my words
My words barely matter to me
I'm a pretender
So whatever I said to you - doesn't matter
I don't come through
Or I will when there's money or my face on the line
But you
I just use you
For your beauty
For your character
And you I can't hear
I can't take any place that I am not accepted
Yet I do so much to reject you
To wipe your kiss away
To move my cheek the other direction
To decline you when you advance
To hug
Or to dance
Why are you still here?
Haven't I shown you who I am?
Don't you see you've settled because I settle for this version of myself
You don't have to settle
You deserve better
Why are you still here?
To be neglected
To be ignored
To be be punished as to win a score
To be called for five minutes a day
To be kept on your toes
To be alone
To be harshly criticized the moment I feel threatened
To be taught a lesson
I got what I wanted
But you surely put up with my dysfunction
My greatness
My schedule
My need to please and for affirmation
And I do enjoy the status of being married
I just don't want to actually be married
Merging accounts
Being honest, open and transparent with everything
It's not just the ring
I wear my ring with pride
But cannot give you what I've promised
Why are you still here?
You should go

Then when I decide to finally leave
To let go of the confusion of our great times
Of your edifying words
Of your sweet side
Of my hopes and dreams
Of my love
To walk free
To stand for what I really desire
To stand for oneness, togetherness
Connection spiritually
Doing life together on weekends and mealtimes
Being whole and free
Building the kingdom of God
That's when I will be the true me
That's when I'll shine